R-emote Control

All right, emoji wannabes, listen up! With so many of us out sick, our situation is getting dire, and we are going to have employ some of you as substitutes whether you’re a perfect match or not.

Today is your day!

All right, Smiling Spoon, Carol’s telling a joke. We need a happy face. Go, go, go!

Text message conversation with Carol: Carol: What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars?
Person 2: What?
Carol: T-wrecks. (spelled t - wrecks)
Person 2: replies with a measuring spoon that has milk on it that looks like a smiling face.

All right. Good work. I’m sure nobody noticed the difference.

Okay. I can see Minh is talking about yummy food, so it’s time to put the cards down and jump into action, Ooh!

Text conversation with Minh:
Minh: I'm loving these cooking classes I'm taking. They're so easy.
Person 2: Really?
Minh: Yeah, the homework's a piece of cake.
Person 2 sends an emoji that's a triangular playing card holder with three circles that make it look like a surprised face.

Hmm, maybe that wasn’t the right call. Oh well.

If they wanted the right emojis, they should have done more to stop illnesses from spreading. I can only do so much when I’m short staffed like this!

Oh!

Head’s up Shocked Pepper, Mycah’s telling tales again! Get in there, quick!

Text message conversation with Mycah.
Mycah: I don't want to say climate change is out of control, but...
Person 2: But what?
Mycah: I chipped a tooth on my coffee on the way to work.
Person 2: Sends an emoji that is half a yellow pepper that looks like a shocked face. Two blank eyes and hands have been doodled in.

Right. Ok. This going a bit better.

Uh oh.

Looks like somebody’s not in the holiday spirit. Quick, who do we have left to respond to a pun?

Text conversation with Alec.
Alec: I think all the Xmas decorations in the stores are making me sick.
Person 2: Really?
Alec: I think I might have tinsel-itis
Person 2: Meh emoji made of a small round back pillow with two rectangular eyes over a straight seam of a mouth.

Perfect! No notes.

Get to the Point!

You know you’re spending too much time in medical facilities, when you start seeing faces in the sharps container.

Seriously, I think I needle help. Faces have become a real sticking point with me. They inject themselves into my everyday life, and I can’t contain them. But I need to draw the line somewhere.

I’ll give it my best shot.

Open yellow needle disposal trash can, that resembles a gaping mouth. Above it, are two holes in the wall that look like eyes. Eyebrows and arms have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "It's because of your sharp wit."

Something’s Rotten in the State of Refrigerator

Yesterday was National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day (no, really, look it up!), so I guess it’s time to see what’s getting old…

Ugh! Watermelon? I haven’t bought that since the summer. OUT!

Watermelon pieces sitting on a cutting board. Two white seeds form eyes over discolorations forming nostrils and a wavy mouth. Angry eyebrows have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Water you doing? You can't get rid of me just because I'm a little past my prime. That's ageist."

Um, I don’t think that applies to expired food. Sorry, dude.

What else is in here?

Ah, a half-eaten pizza slice. I couldn’t even tell you the last time we ordered pizza.

Slice of pepperoni pizza with bites out of the bottom. Two round pepperoni pieces form eyes over a semi-circular pepperoni slice mouth. Speech bubble says, "I bring you piece (spelled p-i-e-c-e)" and has a peace symbol, making a reference to the Simpsons' X-Files/aliens episode.

Hmm…it doesn’t look bad. Maybe the kids brought that home from somewhere. I guess we’ll keep it until I can confirm.

Moving on…

What’s that at the back of the veg drawer?

Oh right, the rest of the pepper from dinner the other night. It should still be fine, but I guess, in the spirit of the day, I should check it just to be sure.

Half of a yellow pepper sliced so the pith and seeds form an angry mouth. Sunglasses and angry eyebrows have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "You try and get rid of me and I'll bust a capsaicin in your-"

Okay, yeah, no, it’s definitely gone bad.

It’s About Time

Everybody talks about getting an extra hour of sleep when the clocks “fall back,” but we are, more than a week after turning our clocks back, and my body and my dog are still running on DST.

Meaning, we’re up around 3am.

Every.

Day.

But, since I’m going to sleep on Standard Time, I’m losing an hour of sleep. And it’s making me a little loopy.

So, I say, it’s far past time to get rid of Daylight Savings (or switch to it permanently, if you’d prefer). Look, I know I have only a minute chance of success, here, but we can’t wait another second! This constant flipping back and forth is hurting hour society as a whole!

And it’s not just humans bearing the brunt of the damage. Countless timepieces get clocked by their grumpy owners around Time Change – and trust me, you don’t want to tick them off!

We can no longer afford to make Time Change our fallback position. We must spring forward into a future without it. So, watch out, DST, we’re coming for you.

Even the bottom of my clock agrees, Time Change Sucks!

Bottom of a small rectangular travel clock with contact pads that look like two round eyes over a straight line mouth. Arms and angry eyebrows have been doodled in, as well as a picket sign that reads, "End time change! Save a clock!" Speech bubble says, "You humans only invented time change because it was the closest you could get to time travel."

Big Fracking Deal

It’s that time of year when the heat has to come on, so I was going to write a post filled with furnace and heating jokes. But, with so many people likely unable to afford their heating bills this winter, it felt in bad taste. So instead I offer these tips to keep warm (from a cheap Canadian):

  • dress in layers, and don’t forget a hat – you lose a lot of your heat through your head.
  • Insulate your windows with plastic sheeting, and make sure no drafts are sneaking in under doors.
  • Let the sun shine in when it can, but when it gets dark, close your blinds/curtains as an extra layer of insulation.
  • If you do lose heat/power when it’s below freezing outside, leave your taps running just a little to prevent them freezing.

Good luck, everyone!

Gas meter whose dials look like googly eyes, with a blacked-out counter that looks like a mouth. Stick arms have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Good choice. Jokes about heating just aren't cool."

Guess Who?

Now that Disney has acquired Doctor Who, it’s out with the old and in with the new*. Classic villains have had to find work elsewhere, and the job market is tight.

Just look at this poor Santaran, forced to shill for Big Potato.

Whole potato with rot marks in the centre that look like two eyes over a smiling mouth. Large blue collar, wrinkles and ears have been doodled in so it looks like General Staal. Speech bubble says, "Big sale on potatoes. Don't Staal, get them before they run out!"

And this Dalek has put its magnificent abs to work in a spa, scraping away dead skin for pedicures.

A silver cheese grater sits on a table with a chair behind it, so the chair's arms look like they're coming from the grater. A plunger and a whisk have been doodled on the arms. Small lights and a larger round light have been doodled on the black top handle of the grater to resemble a Dalek. Speech bubble says, "Exfoliate!"

But they both fared better than this poor Cyberman, who not only was reduced to manual labour, but decapitation as well.

Shiny silver snow shovel that looks like a Cyberman's helmet. Speech bubble says, "Snow will be deleted. Delete! Delete!"

Better hope the Weeping Angels don’t end up as garden ornaments…

*Obviously I have no idea what Disney is going to do with Doctor Who, I can only assume that by throwing money at it, they will change the low budget look of many of the FX.